Being someone that is in an open relationship I am often asked, "How can you deal with the jealousy?" This question really surprises, of course loving someone that is also seeing someone else will spark some jealousy, but why is jealousy held in such high regard.
It would be like me asking someone how can you deal with being married since couples fight shouldn't you just avoid the anger. Or how can handle watching celebrities on TV without feeling envious. My point is that any other emotion is faced head on now days, your not going too avoid going to a funeral of someone you love because it makes you sad.
I'm not sure if my examples are good enough too make the point, but basically any emotion like anger, sadness, greed, anticipation even fear are looked at as something that a healthy person handles. Yet many people say too me they could never be polyamorus because they would rather avoid the jealousy issues.
I truly don't understand that. I could be wrong but I believe I noticed a certain double standard here.
Lets say Liz and Paul are dating. Paul accidently makes Liz mad but says it wasn't his intention, Liz would be expected too talk about it rationally and not throw blame at Paul.
Now lets say Paul tells Liz that his female friend at work is very attractive. Now Liz is allowed if not expected too feel jealous and blame Paul, maybe yell at him and demand he stop spending time around her. Rational conversation is almost stopped all together. You might say in this example that you would say he could be friends with her, but come on if he wanted to date her you'd probably be insanely confused and jealous and blame him for it saying he should not have done it.
Done what is what I'm wondering, he shouldn't have been honest? Shouldn't have been open minded?
Basically if your partner makes you mad just for being himself then that is at least part of the time understandable and not something too blame him for. But if he makes you jealous then he must stop doing it because you don't want too face that emotion.
A few notes: By you, I mean an average person not you specifically. Also the example relationships are not examples of mine, we have faced jealousy head on and used honesty as our weapon against it. For me jealousy is just like anger when it pops up I make sure too cool down and not freak out.
Louis, there is so much to say on this, but I'm going to put it on google+ where I first read about this post. If you want to copy and paste my comments here, by all means do so!
ReplyDeleteNina Pelletier SAID- Louis, first off - thanks for the shout out and the kind words - you are truly a sweetheart.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I won't say I completely understand polygamous relationships, but I think I sort of get them, and can completely see where you are coming from. We are programmed as a society to think One man + one woman = normal, anything else is an abomination. Programming is hard to erase and overcome, no matter how wrong it might be. For me personally, I want to be the only woman who makes my man giddy, aroused, complete, fluttery, happy and basically, I'm the type of girl who has to be her partner's whole universe. Yup, I'm selfish that way - so no, I'm not one who can share.
Third: Jealousy in my opinion comes from wanting something someone else has. That alone doesn't work for me. People can't own people in my opinion. Not in my world anyway. Maybe that's why I never married... Hmm... I'll have to ponder that thought a little longer.
I feel that if I'm not providing my partner what he needs, and he has the urge to go elsewhere - then by all means he can do so, but he's not coming back to me. No hard feelings. I would expect the same respect from my partner. On the other hand, I believe in being open and honest with my partner, and on a personal note, we never ever fight. Ever. What's the point?
I think some people are configured to feel jealousy in a horrendous way. It hurts and feels bad and they want to avoid that feeling, not unlike avoiding being lit on fire. Hence monogamy. Some people aren't configured to feel that pain jealousy can cause, I am assuming you are one of those people. You can't judge other people for feeling something you don't understand and expect them not to judge you for something they don't understand. What you CAN do is try to squash the ignorance and stereotypes that come along with a label - which I might add, you did quite nicely with your post.
I just re-read Ayoub's response again and well - he basically said everything I just said with fewer words (a lot fewer) - what can I say, I have zero linguistic prudence (thanks for that phrase again +Cayenne Linke )
To sum up, we are who we are - and you are a pretty great guy. No labels, no stereotypes, Louis Clark is a great guy, who is courageous and bold and has a wonderful way with words. I'm glad to call him my friend.
Having no tolerance for intolerance wink,
Nina
I like detailed response so thanks for responding with so many words. I think what you said about "people can't own people" is very much how I feel. Also as for feeling jealousy I would say I feel it and it hurts alot or it can hurt alot but I have just taught my self too try as best as I can too handle it healthy. Although I'm not perfect at it.
ReplyDeleteI like that you mentioned I shouldn't judge other people for understanding things differently. Besides jealousy for me though the second hardest thing I struggle with being polyamorist (and that I might blog about sometime) is people judging me based on how they define a relationship. As in saying too me that being together means only being with each other. Which I usually try to explain that the parameters of my relationship are set by those in it not by those around us. I guess I might get a little defensive because I felt judged so frequently. Its harder even more because of being in an open marriage rather then just open dating.
Also thanks for calling me a friend and for the compliments.